I wrote this post a few days ago. Scheduled it to post, then chickened out and deleted it.
Scheduled it again the following day, but again, deleted it.
Why? I’m not sure. Perhaps because it was written on a day when the emotional was raw? Perhaps because I want to keep the negative aspects of our little world hidden? Perhaps because having it in writing for the world to see would make it too real?
But I’ve decided to share what is our work in progress, in ‘real’ time. Not retrospectively when we (hopefully) get some happy news at some point in the future. Maybe, that is.
For real is raw. And the world we are living right now is definitely both.
That horrible word and all the connotations that come with it. To ignore this would be to ignore the one of the most significant parts of our life, albeit not a very happy one, over the last 12 months.
For it thrusts you into a crazy world of injections, and tests, but also into the relative unknown.
It fills your head with envy. It fills your heart with heaviness.
It sees you spending too much time in the doctor’s office. Too much time being poked and prodded. Putting your life effectively on hold so that you are available when the call comes in.
It sees you shy away from public outings – preferring instead to hide in the comfort of home. The comfort that is your little family, and your safe little world.
It sees your body as you once knew it, change. And not for the better.
It sees your rational self be overtaken with irrationality. With fear of the uncertainty. It sees you lamenting the passage of time, and leaves you wondering just how a year has passed by with no answers.
It makes you question the medical advice you are getting, and shake your head at the lack of communication.
It sits there, in the back of your mind. Always.
A cruel constant. A breeder of comparison and feelings of disappointment.
But then you look into the eyes of your beautiful little girl, and you know, deeply know, that it will, hopefully, be worth it.
It will be worth it. It’s just going to take time. More time.
So as I hit publish on this post, I am nervous. And a little sad. Have I overshared? Or have I presented the other side to blogs, and babies.
Hopefully you’ll bear with me as I continue on this emotional rollercoaster in any event!